I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
