Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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