I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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