I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
