I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
