also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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