My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
