so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
