I have demons in me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
