Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize