God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
