Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
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All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
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doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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