I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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