About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
