see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
