she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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