He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
