your parents love me but you hate me
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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