How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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