She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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