I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
