Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
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it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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