i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
