PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
