I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Randomize
