She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
