I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
