his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think pants incapable of making pants work
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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