I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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