Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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