So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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