maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
