Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
