We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
