gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
