I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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