I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
