Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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