I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
