I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
