I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
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My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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