Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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