I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
