I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
