A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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