WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
