Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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