just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
