my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Every concussion has its silver lining
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.