I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
