just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Holy sore nipples Batman
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
