Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
