he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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