i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
