i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
