If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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