Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
